Matrix, but better
by Zombies8Me
Summary: The title says everything there is needed to be said.


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Matrix.

* * *

Trinity was watching Neo. She was watching him because she was supposed to fall in love with him, but he was really boring. Imagine watching paint, painting itself to a wall, the paint dry, then the dried paint peal, and the wall to crumble to dust, and multiply _that _amount of boring by four thousand, and you'll have Neo.

He did absolutely _nothing_ but make illegal floppy disks, which he sold to ugly men with even uglier girlfriends for a box of donuts.

Trinity swore she would kill someone if he turned out to be the 'One' . . . who stole her case of Twinkies.

"Trinity?" the ugly bald guy named Cypher asked through the phone. He was in love with Trinity, and was always stalking her on Myspace.

"Yeah, what do you want?" she spat into the receiver. "In case you're wondering, no! I do not like you! You're short, fat, bald, have a stupid name, and ugly facial hair!"

"That's nice. I love you too. Mainly because it's either you or "the oracle" who happens to be older than dirt." He cringed. "She likes me you know. A lot of women—more like a couple—a couple women, want me real bad . . . most of them are Agents, or my landladies who want me to die, but—"

"What about Switch?" Trinity challenged. "Couldn't you spend all your time talking to _her?_"

There was silence on the other side for a while. "Switch is a _chick?!_" Cypher made violent hacking and gagging sounds on the other side. "But anyway, I was calling to warn you about the Agents that are coming to kill you." He clicked the phone off.

Trinity cringed.

It was a well-known fact what Agent Smith was a creeper. (Just look it up on YouTube. You know it's true.) But running didn't sound like fun, so she decided to wait for the cops before she ran in her skin-tight leather. That would be _so_ much more fun!

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Neo was sad.

He was sad because he had no friends, no family, no life, and did nothing but sit in front of his computer, making illegal floppy disks. (The horror!)

He had just given the latest illegal floppy disk to an ugly guy with some ugly man, or chick . . . I think it was a girl (in leather), who was all "oo" and flirting with Neo. Neo gagged, and the ugly man kicked him in the gut. The ugly man was bald, except for the attempts at a Mohawk, but he had to grow the hair on the sides, because he was balding on the top of his head.

"Hey man. You want to come to a party with us at the Chuck E Cheese?" the ugly he/she asked, smiling a set of teeth painted black, 'pierced' by gluing sequins to them, and a tattoo shaped like a Tylenol on her shoulder.

"Chuck E scares me." He leaned in closer to the others, and whispered loudly. "He has an _evil_ mouse eye. He watches you while you sleep." The group nodded, looking worried for his mental health. His computer began beeping. "Hang on, the voices in my head want me to go talk to the computer now." He told them, trudging back to his computer.

On the screen read the words; _Neo, I have been stalking you since you were three years old. I know everything about you. I know what kind of tooth paste you use, that you still watch cartoons in your 'nighties', I know you go out for a walk around the lake three times . . . alone, I know that you are allergic to the color yellow. T_hen Neo got bored, and began to leave when the computer started beeping again. _If you don't follow them to Chuck E Cheese then you'll die a most hideous death._

"But I'm scared of the mouse! He has an evil stare!" he yelled at his computer.

_You will die! Die! Die, do you understand what I am saying to you?_

"But—but the mouse!" he whined.

_The fate awaiting you in the mouse's mouth is not half of the fate I will personal inflict on your person if you do not go!_

"But—but the mouse!" he repeated, exactly the same.

The monitor sighed. _Fine. If you follow the girl with the Tylenol tattoo, I'll give you candy._

"Ooh! Candy!" and he instantly forgot his life-long fear of giant mice.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

When they got to Chuck E Cheeses, Neo instantly began wishing he hadn't came. The mouse's face was everywhere! It was like Disney Land all over! (Another day Mickey! Another day!) He stayed in the car, curling himself up into a tiny ball of hopeless fear.

Trinity got tried of searching the arcade stuffed with children for him, so she eventually shot the car, right above Neo's head.

Only to get Neo's attention, of course, what makes you think she was trying to shoot him? She wasn't trying to _shoot _him. Don't be silly. "Hello Neo," she said.

"Hello. Did you come to give me the candy?" he asked.

"No, I came here to tell you that we need your help."

"Oh . . . You need to buy candy?"

"No. We don't need candy. Look Neo—I know all your life you've understood there is something terribly wrong with the world—"

"What's wrong with candy?!" he demanded, hopping out of the car. "Do you have something against candy? I'll have _you_ know I do not negotiate with terrorists! That's why I kidnap all girl scouts and boy scouts when they come trying to 'sell me' their drugged cookies and popcorn! Do you know how hard I have to work for my country to brainwash them so they can be released back into the wild of Russia?" he demanded, shoving her.

"Wait . . . what?" she blinked. "You're really starting to scare me, and I feel uncomfortable being near you, so I'm going to go this way now." She nodded to herself, walking off to the nearest phone booth and disappearing.

"Bye, Easter Bunny!" He waved to her happily.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"You let him go?" Morpheus asked, spitting pencil juice. (They ran out of tobacco four years before, and had to switch to graphite.) "What if the Agents get him? Do you know what that could do to the world?"

"Yes," she stated firmly, thought about it and added in a happy voice. "Wait . . . No. I'm going to go bake a pizza!" She ran off to find something to make pizza with.

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The next morning, Neo woke up, bright and early, immediately forgetting everything he had been through the other day, and dressed for work.

He worked for Microsoft as a 'slave', but he liked the job because they always had free donuts in the Break room.

He went to work, and sat at his desk, which he had moved to the Break room so he could eat all the donuts by himself.

His phone rang and he answered it, annoyed. "Hello?"

"Hello? Neo? This is Morpheus. Look, because Trinity was being stupid, the Agents are now storming your office and are going to capture you if you don't follow my advice exactly as I tell you. First—"

"I'm sorry, I don't speak _stupid_." Neo hung up, gorging himself on the donuts, laughing at his wit.

Elrond appeared with a bunch of other guys his age in the doorway. "_Hello_, Mr. Anderson."

"Hello!" he sang. "Are you here to deliver my pizza?"

"No," he said with his weird lips.

"Well go away then." Neo turned around in his spiny chair, continuing to eat his donuts. "Go do your elf business elsewhere."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Agents; Agent Smith (Elrond), Agent 99, Agent Bond, Agent Bob, Agent Bill Gates, Agent Zero, and a couple people from ReMax took Neo to a super secret base, marked, 'The Super Secret Base'.

"To start things out," Agent Smith began. "No. For the last time, I am _not _gay." He glared around the room. "Now, Mr. _Anderson_," he pulled his glasses off.

"Queerdo!" Neo yelped. "Help! I'm being hit on by a gay middle-aged computer program!" he tried to stand up, but Agent Bob pulled him down.

"_Shut up_! I'm not gay! Guys! Tell him I'm not gay!" he ordered the other Agents.

They all started shuffling their feet and whistling, not making eye-contact with him.

"I'm not gay!" Agent Smith yelled. "I don't like men! I'll murder all of you for saying that!" Agent Smith began tearing up, blowing his nose on his rainbow hankercheif.

"What is your quest?" Agent Bob demanded when they shoved Neo into an interrogation chair.

"To finally get a girlfriend," Neo replied.

"What is your favorite color?"

"Pink, cause it's the prettiest."

"What is the capital of Zimbabwe?"

"Your mother." Neo hooted, snorted, cackled, and howled with laughter at his own stupid joke.

"Shut him up Bob!" Elrond slapped him, "And someone take those donuts away from him! He's making me sick!"

Neo squealed in protest as they pried the pastries away from him. He bite Agent Bob's hand, and he girly slapped him across the face, so Neo began crying. "Shut up!" Agent Smith yelled. Neo continued to wail. "_Please _shut up!" Neo only wailed louder. "_Shut up or I will kill you_!" he yelled.

"Okay!" Neo smiled happily. "But only because you said it so sweetly!"

Agent Smith groaned. "So anyway, what do you know about Morpheus?"

"Only that he keeps calling me . . . but he sent this _really _hot girl to save me. I think her name was Trinity. She was about 5' 4", black hair, social security number 17392857, last known address 180 Yule Ave., New Jersey, zip code 37269, phone number 1-800-Bar-None." Neo giggled at the last part.

Bob slapped him across the face again.

Neo touched his red cheek. Looking up at Bob for a full minute, before collapsing in violent sobs.

"Bob." The others groaned. "Did you have to?"

"What?" Bob asked. "What did I do?"

"Mr. _Anderson_! Mr. _Anderson_! Stop crying! Stop now!" Agent Smith rose from his seat. "Now!" he began slapping him across the face with a rolled up newspaper, which only made Neo cry more.

"I want a donut!" he blubbered.

"But why would you need a donut without a mouth?" Agent Smith smirked, using his magic to make his mouth disappear, which made Neo glare at him, and start crying through his nose, ears, eyes, and hands. (Which most people can't do, but he did, because, after all, he is the 'One' . . . who stole Trinity's case of Twinkies.)

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Agents got tired of Neo in about two minutes, and threw him back in his apartment after knocking him unconscious. Trinity was waiting there, and when Agent Smith saw her, heerupted in ruckus laughter. "Ha, ha! Your problem now!"

She scowled, and dragged the still unconscious Neo down the stairs, and with the help of her companions, pulled him in a car.

When Neo became conscious again, he immediately started screaming. "Who are you! You have a gun! You're working for Chuck E! I knew it was only a matter of time! Please! Take my pillows! Take my Co-co puffs! Just leave me alone! Please!"

He whined for an hour straight, and Trinity finally got so annoyed she skidded to a stop. "_Shut your whiny mouth, or so help me, I _will _drive this car off the nearest __**cliff**__! Understand?!_"

His eyes were wide, and he nodded.

"Now hold still," Trinity instructed, letting Switch drive. "Okay, we think you've been bugged."

"Yeah. All the time! My co-workers never shut-up about how I'm always eating and never working and selling illegal floppy disks and—" Neo droned.

"I mean literally." She put a frosting tube to his belly button, and sucked up a seven-inch caterpillar with a vacuum. She smiled at Neo triumphantly.

"I've never seen that before in my life! I swear evil lady! I'm not a drug smuggler! I don't even _own_twelve tons of C4." He defended whiney-like.

Trinity grimaced, nodding. "Okay. You're definitely not the 'One' . . . who stole my case of Twinkies . . . or I must be a real sucker for losers," she muttered, disgusted at the thought. "Switch, if you ever get a vibe I'm falling for Mister," she gestured to Neo, "Pee-pants, then just shoot me, 'kay?"

"What did you find out about Agent Smith?" Apoc asked, prodding Neo for an answer.

"He seems like a _nice _man." Neo smiled. "But he didn't give me any donuts." His face saddened.

"Something more important. Does he know where we are?" Apoc prodded on.

"I don't know . . . Can I tell you a secret?" he whispered shrilly. "I think Agent Smith was . . . was . . ."

"Was what?" Trinity asked, concerned.

"Was being _mean _to me!" he squeaked, his eyes opened with fear.

"Wow." Switch pursed her lips, angrily. "The human race is doomed, if this guy is our savior."

They arrived at an old house that made Neo scared. It was a scary old house and he was scared because it was scary.

"Neo, stop whimpering," Trinity spat.

"But I'm _scared_!" he whined.

She glared, shoving him into a dark room.

A dark man, with a dark coat, dark glasses, and a dark voice turned. "Hello Neo."

"Well hi!" he exclaimed in a giddy, girly, happy voice.

"Aren't you scared?" Morpheus asked, annoyed. He liked scaring people, especially whiny little boys who still needed their mommies . . . or old ladies . . . or little girls . . . or little puppies . . . or anyone really.

"Uh . . . nope! You look _nothing_ like a giant mouse!" Neo's face grew serious . . . for once. "I hate giant mice. I swear on this day, with you, and this rock, as my witness to hunt down and _destroy_ the evil mouse!" he exclaimed with bold determination.

Morpheus studied his face. "Um . . . _right_, well—!" He pulled two pills out of his pocket. "The red pill will show you everything you want to learn about the Matrix . . . the blue pill will make you forget everything and wake up in your bed."

"With a box full of donuts?" Neo asked, excited.

"_Sure_. With a . . . " Morpheus sighed. "Box full of donuts."

Neo thought this over carefully . . . until he saw a spider on the wall, and decided the crack in the ceiling looked like a bunny, and the bunny looked happy like a cloud. Clouds were nice, but cake was nicer. Mm, if he had a cake, then he could _eat it!_

"Neo? Choose already!" Morpheus was getting annoyed.

"Oh, uh okay!" he thought blue was a prettier color than red, and he had forgotten what did which . . . or is it which did what? He chewed it, thinking it was a jellybean, but it tasted nasty, so he swallowed it.

"_No!_" Morpheus muttered in annoyance. "You were supposed to choose the red one!" he sounded mad.

"Oh, sorry." Neo took the red pill and swallowed that too.

Morpheus groaned in loud, shrill, exasperated moans. "I'm fine, I'm cool. Breathe Morpheus, breathe."

"Hey Morpheus?" Apoc asked. "I forgot to tell you, both pills were supposed to be purple, so um, yeah, sorry, we had a mix-up with the Pharmacist." He shrugged.

"What does the purple pill do?" Morpheus asked, hardly controlling himself.

"Makes you hallucinate, think you're a super hero, anime character, famous politician. Pretty much makes you a crazy lunatic is all." He shrugged again. "But two doses would make you—well—just don't give anyone two doses."

"I see butterflies, and squirrels, and princesses, and monkeys, and piggies, and pancakes, and eggs, and oranges, and butterflies, and princesses, and butterflies!" Neo squealed like a little kid. "I am Spiderman! No, I am Naruto! No, I am Abraham Lincoln! If you are a racist, I shall kill you with the powers of the North Pole!" He stood on his chair.

Morpheus rubbed his suddenly throbbing temples. "Why me? What did I ever do?" he wondered miserably.

"Mister Leprechaun," he told Morpheus sternly. "Make me a sandwich from your beautiful fairy juice."

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[And now, lets take a quick peep into Neo's head, to see what our (quote) "hero" is thinking . . . ]

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I was feeling wonderful! It was like being high and drunk at the same time! Plus I think that chick Trinity had the hots for me. (Wink, wink, nod, nod.) If you _know_ what I _mean_.

So they put me in some loopy machine, and I woke up in a bath, _NAKED!_ It was like waking up after a 'Broken Bones' concert . . . except I was bald . . . and slimmer than usual.

Then this evil robot thing was all 'oh crap a human!' and flushed me down a sewer. Then this ship picked me up, and Morpheus was there and he was all, 'dude!', than that Trinity chick was all 'dude!', then a bunch of other people appeared, and I kind of spaced for about a week while I was growing my hair back.

One day they decided it would be fun to stick a cord into my brain and upload mp3's so they could make me sing Beyoncè . . . I cried.

After that, they loaded my brain with martial arts, and I painted a ninja butterfly, and Morpheus slapped me.

Then we went on a field trip to see some old lady, but she was my favorite because she gave me a cookie! It was the best day of my whole life!

Oh and Cypher went crazy and killed everyone but Trinity, Morpheus, Tank and me. Then I had to go save Morpheus from the Agents, who were smelling him . . . I thought that was kind of weird.

I got to wear leather, and it was really hard to jump in leather, and it stunk and was _really _hot, but _I was smokin'!_ I could have sworn—almost sworn—guessed, guessed is a better word, that Trinity was _looking _at me!

But yeah, and I think I killed Agent Smith, but then he came back, again, and again, and again . . . and again.

I woke up from my brain game thing they call Matrix, and then they killed all of my robot friends who were eating the ship . . . stupid Morpheus.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

[But we couldn't leave like this now could we? Let's take a quick glimpse into Agent Smith's "mind" . . . ]

……………………………………………………………………………………………

I hate Neo. I hate him, I hate him, I want him to die!

Not only did the stupid human keep calling me "Elrond", (who the [_beep!_] is Elrond?!) but he also wore _leather!_ It was such a gruesome sight I had to replace my own eyeballs!

I was trying to interrogate Morpheus, but my comrades, Agents Dumb, a Dumber (no really, that's their names), who were always trying to copy me. I had beat him up so much he was practically _dead!_

Why? Why, may I ask you, did I receive such a punishment as living in the human's _video game?! _In the end, when I was battling with Neo, I grew so annoyed at his personality, and sheer . . . _stupid-ness,_ I _killed myself!_

But technically . . . I don't think it counted for me.

Next thing I know, I was in some video game where some short, fat, Italian man in red was smashing my head with a hammer, so I took out a gun and killed him. His angry, taller brother in green came out, and I shot him. A short little toad man came out screaming, _bang!_ A little guy with a mushroom head came out and, _bang! _Then some lady with blond hair and a dress comes onto the screen and is all 'you killed my people!' and starts crying . . . just . . . like . . . _NEO!_

So, naturally, _bang!_ I shot myself.

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**Epilogue:**

Trinity _did not _fall in love with Neo, and ran-off with Link (no, not the one from the sequal, the little short guy in green).

Neo spent the rest of his life in the Matrix, and out, eating donuts.

Morpheus became fat and now works for CSI.

Tank won the lottery the AI threw, and retired to Miami.

Agent Smith was reincarnated into almost every game you can think of, desperately trying to kill himself off permanently.

And pretty much everyone else was dead, so obviously they don't matter anymore.

Oh, and Agent Bob was everyone's favorite and moved to the moon where he forever after, grew cabbages.

* * *

Sorry it took so long guys, I was busy with life.

Read, Review . . . or I _will_ find you.

Not really, I'd be too lazy to look. But review anyway.

Edited by Poseida Lunar

~Zombies8Me~

Copyright Zombies8Me 2009


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